Rating: PG-13 for nekkidness.
Disclaimer: Not Mine
Summary: There were Avenger-sized mouse traps all over the damn bunker. All about as effective. Meaning no one got killed, but everyone is naked and bleeding a little.
The villain of the week designed a man-sized mouse trap/bug zapper thing to catch Iron Man. This was information Tony Stark would have seriously appreciated upfront, and he makes a note to write a letter of complaint to SHIELD, who totally left that out of the invitation to go pick up a crazy old scientist dude getting increasingly violent ideas about world domination.
He thinks this – among other thoughts like “Fuck!” and “Ow!” – while trying to get his left foot out from underneath the part that was probably intended to take off his head. Mice can’t fly, but Iron Man can, and the inventor apparently didn’t know that. He also didn’t know anything about the tensile strength of the Iron Man armor, because Tony’s foot is only a little bit crushed and a lot pinned, not severed.
But the computer system is gone, fried by the part that had shocked Tony bad enough to keep him from flying completely free. That aspect is a lot smarter than the rest, and Tony is going to smash it good when he gets up. No one else needs any ideas.
None of his teammates have come along to pull him out. Either they’re lazy and ungrateful jerks, or they’re similarly occupied. Before the comm. system fried, Tony heard lots of yelling. Possibly there are Avenger Mouse Traps all over the damn bunker. It’s like SHIELD’s intel sucks or something.
Eventually, Tony realizes that shitty mouse trap or not, he’s not getting his foot out without reenacting a terrible horror movie. Or at least, not with the armor on. He’s been working on a quick and easy way of getting out of the armor when it’s depowered, but sort of put that project on the backburner on account of preferring to build fun toys for when the armor works like it’s supposed to. Which is totally how he prefers things.
So, there’s no quick and easy way.
There’s just a very slow and sweaty way.
Tony can say goodbye to at least two of his toenails and the backup foot model career plan, but he’s going to be limping out of here intact. Or maybe he’ll make Thor carry him.
The rest of the armor has to come off, too. Powerless, it’s just a heavy, unwieldy, and yet super sexy costume.
Tony’s clothes go with it. Or rather, stay inside it. The fabric gets caught inside the armor, and he can pull his limbs out, but that’s it. His jeans rip when he tries to yank them out of the inside of the legs afterwards, so that doesn’t help. His suit keeps his t-shirt, and even his boxers. The edge of the arc reactor catches, briefly, and that doesn’t feel so good.
“Don’t be naked if the Iron Man suit is depowered” was never one of Tony’s design priorities, but apparently it should have been.
He has sudden regrets about never being kinder to Bruce when he ends up bare-assed after every transformation.
So, freeballing, Tony goes to find the rest of the Avengers.
There were Avenger-sized mouse traps all over the damn bunker. All about as effective. Meaning no one got killed, but everyone is naked and bleeding a little.
Steve is hiding behind his giant patriotic Frisbee. His spangle-suit got burned off, from the looks of things. Either it took his chest hair with it, or Captain America is a secret waxer.
Tony deserves a medal for all the things he doesn’t say while they work together to extract Clint from some kind of insane glue trap on the ceiling. They get him free, but not his clothes. Clint also no longer has any back hair. Steve learns many 21st century curse words, but isn’t appreciative at all.
Through pure force of will, Clint gets his bow and some of his arrows out of the glue. He looks ridiculous, naked except for the quiver.
“This guy needs to die,” Clint says.
“Orders are to capture him,” Steve reminds them.
“I’m going to steal his clothes,” Tony says. “Dibs.”
Thor shows up, next. Swinging both his actual and his euphemistic hammers. All that’s left of his outfit is a mostly shredded cape.
“Did you get him?” Clint asks.
“Or at least put his eye out?” Tony mutters.
“Stark,” Steve warns, still hiding behind his shield.
“He escaped,” Thor says. “He was prepared to avoid capture. There are traps everywhere.”
“He’s like a really aggressive evangelizing nudist,” Tony says.
“I believe it was intended to crush,” Thor says.
“Our egos?” Clint says, softly.
Tony grins at him, but of course, Steve hates anything funny. “Don’t you start,” Steve says.
Natasha is naked, too. In Tony’s mind, this development abruptly switches this mission from shitty and stupid to awesome.
She seems to be taking a bath in the bunker’s kitchen sink, which isn’t a scenario Tony’s ever fantasized about.
“Uh,” Steve says. He turns around, looking away. Then he realizes he’s turned his bare ass to her, and spins back around. His blush extends all the way down his chest.
“Are you okay?” Clint asks.
“He jumped down a drainage duct,” Natasha snarls, not turning around to look at them. “Freaking biohazard.”
Tony wrinkles his nose and reclassifies the mission as stupid and disgusting.
“Did he drown?” he asks, hopefully.
“If he didn’t, Hulk got him,” Natasha says.
She finally looks up, does a visible double-take. “You’re all…naked,” she remarks.
“I want it remembered that it’s cold in here,” Tony says. “Nippy, if you will.”
Natasha rolls her eyes. She has her arms wrapped under her breasts – which are spectacular even if biohazardy at the moment. Thor doesn’t get the words, but he knows the tone. He pokes Tony in the shoulder and scowls, disapprovingly.
“That had better be your finger,” Tony tells him, without looking.
“You may wear my cloak,” Thor offers Natasha.
Steve is staring valiantly at the ceiling. “Please,” he says.
“You don’t need to be more naked,” Clint says to Thor and Tony agrees.
But Steve is going to stroke out, so Natasha puts it on. The cape is so shredded, it really doesn’t cover anything. She looks like the cover of one of Pepper’s romances about a ravaged medieval lady, if it was illustrated by Hustler. Tony keeps this thought to himself. Natasha won’t appreciate it. And Clint is still armed.
Natasha calls SHIELD to come get them. She fails to mention that they need clothes, which suggests she’s enjoying the view. Everyone but Steve and Thor takes a seat at the kitchen table. Tony hopes the chairs don’t have splinters.
Steve rifles through the kitchen looking for fabric. He only finds a few dish towels which aren’t going to cover Thor at all.
“Maybe there’s a frilly apron,” Tony says, hopefully.
Thor isn’t bothered by his nakedness. He’s probably not looking for clothing in the fridge, anyway. This is actually a familiar sight in the kitchen in Stark Tower. Somehow it’s less irksome when Tony has pants on.
Natasha notices Tony’s injured foot, and suddenly she’s kneeling down to look at it.
“What did this?” she asks.
“Mouse trap,” Tony says. “I’m going to need you to stand up, please. I can’t be held responsible –”
Clint rises long enough to steal Steve’s shield and drop it on Tony’s lap, smirking. Steve objects, but complaining about it will mean looking at all his naked teammates. So, instead he turns around and starts making some kind of diaper out of the dishcloths he’s found. Tony hopes it’s for Thor.
“I am being so good,” Tony tells Natasha, as she examines his wound. “You have no idea.”
“Is it because your genitals are unprotected?” Natasha asks, flatly.
Tony squints at her. “Maybe.”
Natasha stands back up, smirks at him. He dramatically clutches Captain America’s shield.
“Get that looked at,” she says, in reference to his foot.
“Yeah,” he says. “That’s what everyone’s going to be looking at.”
“Guys?” Bruce’s voice is calling from down the bunker’s hallway. “Where are you?”
Clint calls back to him. Before he arrives, Steve tries to take back his shield and Tony holds on to it.
“Super soldiers don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” Tony says. “Some of us are mere mortals.”
“Calling me mere?” Clint asks, and Natasha smiles slyly.
“There’s probably olive oil if you want to wrestle,” she says, which makes Steve retreat back to his corner.
“Don’t mention that,” he hisses, jerking his head at Thor, who loves wrestling.
Bruce shows up in the kitchen. Looking like he usually does after the Other Guy goes away again.
“Hey,” Tony says.
“Uh,” Bruce says. “Are you guys trying to show support…?”
“Sure,” Tony says.
“I guess this means no one has my spare pants,” Bruce says, a little sadly.
“Did you capture our foe?” Thor asks, from the fridge.
“He’s rolled up in a fence outside,” Bruce confirms. “Not naked, though.”
“Mission accomplished,” Tony says, raising his hands in celebration.
Immediately, Steve swipes his shield back and covers himself with it. He throws the dishtowels at Tony. So, Tony balls them up and throws them at Thor. Thor lets them bounce off his ridiculously well-muscled ass and land on the floor.
Sighing, Bruce takes a seat in an open chair. He’s doing a magnificent job not checking anyone out.
“I didn’t know you went commando in the suit,” Bruce says to Tony.
“Little known fact,” Tony replies. Natasha makes a choking noise. “Big known fact,” he corrects himself. “Totally adequate known fact.” He holds up a finger. “I’ve got testimonials.”
“How long have you all been naked?” Bruce asks, trying for serious.
“There were booby-” Steve begins, stalls, stares at Natasha’s general direction, and then loses the ability to speak.
“Booby-traps,” Cling provides. “Guy had it out for our clothes.”
“I took mine off,” Natasha says.
“Because you are a team player,” Tony tells her.
“Biohazard,” she corrects. “It’s not a big deal. I’ve seen you all naked before.”
“You have not,” say Tony and Steve, simultaneously.
The others say nothing. Thor gives up on the fridge contents and grabs a chair next to Tony. Forcing Tony to scoot over or suffer by comparison.
“Stark, you –“
“Yeah, okay,” Tony interrupts. He doesn’t need to hear her recount all the times she’s seen him naked and all the mean things she’s said, too. “Doesn’t count.”
“SHIELD took a lot of pictures of you,” Natasha tells Steve, almost apologetically.
Steve looks violated and turns red again. “Why?” he asks.
“Because they’re perverts,” Tony says. “And hypocrites for calling certain other people perverts.”
“Documentation,” Natasha says.
“Yeah, they totally needed to document his super scrotum,” Tony cracks.
Clint puts his head in his hands. Natasha has pulled her blankest face, which is what she does when she’s refusing to admit Tony just said something hilarious. And Bruce, the naked bastard, totally instigated this conversation, but Steve isn’t going to hit him.
“Is nude combat a Midgardian tradition?” Thor asks, a little hopefully, because Steve is seething at Tony. He looks more ridiculous doing that naked than he does in the stars-and-stripes man-itard, if that’s possible.
“You and me,” Tony says to Thor. “Tag team, but you’re up, because my toe hurts.”
“I was wondering how no one had knocked you unconscious,” Bruce says, from behind a hand blocking his giant grin.
“I’m going outside to direct SHIELD’s landing operations,” Steve announces, his voice clipped and military.
“They can use his giant white ass to find the landing strip,” Tony says, when Steve is almost out of earshot. “Seriously, Captain Tan Lines.”
“I shall assist,” Thor says, rising and following Steve. He probably wants to comfort him. It really bugs Thor when any of the Avengers fight. He seems to think it’s a prelude to someone going evil and trying to take over the world.
“This is your fault,” Clint says to Bruce, perceptively.
“He’s usually pretty nice to me,” Bruce says, all innocence.
“I was working on a polymer for fabric that’ll survive the transformation, but so far nothing contains the giant green ass,” Tony says.
“Thanks,” Bruce says, “I think.”
“So,” Tony addresses Natasha. “Naked pictures of Cap. I’ll find those in the central SHIELD database or the Top Secret one?”
“No,” Natasha says. “No, you won’t.”
“Be nice,” Bruce says, sounding disturbingly like Pepper.
“No,” Tony says. “A man endowed like that doesn’t get anything nice from us reasonably-sized normals.”
“Speak for yourself, Tiny,” Clint says. “But do steal the pictures.”
“You just called me Tiny,” Tony accuses. “I heard it.”
“I did,” Clint agrees.
Natasha’s face has turned to stone with how hard she’s working not to react to any of this. Bruce, on the other hand, is not concealing anything.
“I will have vengeance,” Tony tells him. “Next time you fall out of the sky, maybe it’ll sprout wings. ‘Cause I’m not catching you.”
“Take your medicine,” Bruce says. “You started it.”
“No,” Natasha interjects. “That was definitely you.”
“I’m always naked,” Bruce points out. “He’s never been this bad before.”
“I wonder if the Other Guy would respond well to having his manhood insulted,” Tony muses. “Or poorly. Hmm.”
The whirring sound of a helicopter outside the bunker fills the room. SHIELD has arrived. Presumably, Captain America is updating them on the situation and tattling about Tony being a big meanie. Still, Tony hopes he and Thor are extra careful around the propellers today.
“Let’s go,” Natasha says, rising. “I’m sure Director Fury wants to hear all about this.”
“Sure thing, She-Ra,” Tony says, because he hasn’t bugged her at all. “But no pictures.”
~please feed the author~