vain_glorious

Word Count: 1085

1. The planet with the fertility ceremony.

Daniel was having a really hard time with the language, and the natives…well, they were quite…assertive. They’d managed to disarm SG-1, mostly because shooting a village full of mostly naked dudes with a P-90 would make for a very poor mission report.

The naked natives were encouraging SG-1 to get naked, too, by slashing at their clothes with pointy spears.

Where this was going seemed pretty obvious, and Jack really wanted his P-90 back.

He wanted it the whole time the native ladies were sticking feathers to his ass with resin, he wanted it as he and the rest of his team danced awkwardly in a circle around the fire at spear point, and he really wanted it when they shoved SG-1 back through the Gate in that condition.

2. The planet with the pervy hermaphrodites.

The natives weren’t Earth transplants, but Jack thought they bore a striking resemblance to Bjork. The natives weren’t quite human, according to Sam. All small and pale, none taller than Sam, and each with the physique of 10-year-old boys. Lots of guns, though. Big ones.

Anyways, they were fascinated by SG-1.

“I think they’re interested in our secondary sex characteristics,” Daniel observed, well simultaneously trying to keep a dozen pairs of tiny hands out of his pants.

“What?” Jack asked, fending off his own little attack squad of Bjorks.

“Gender differences,” Sam said. She’d swung her pack around so it completely blocked access to her chest.

“Oh,” Jack said. “Shit.”

The little hermaphrodites had guns, though, and very shortly SG-1 didn’t.

Seeing far more of his team than he’d ever cared to, Jack followed as they were hustled inside a large metal building shaped like a mushroom.

“Daniel, what are they saying?”

“I have no idea, Jack. I can’t understand a word.”

“Shit,” Jack said again.

He said it again when they were shoved into a room with a soft pallet on the floor and bright lighting.

And that’s where they stood while a pair of little hermaphrodites took dirty pictures of them naked.

3. The planet with the pervy aliens who weren’t hermaphrodites.

Jack was gone by then, and it was Cameron’s turn. And despite having read the mission reports, he’d laughed about them, then convinced himself that those things would never happen again.

“Jackson, what the hell is going on?”

Daniel was being hustled away, his clothes being cut off. He was in the clutches of something that looked like puppet out of the Godzilla movies. Or maybe a supersized cricket.

Other ones had a hold of Cam, too, and Sam, Vala, and Teal’c, each heading in the same direction.

Daniel didn’t answer, since he couldn’t understand the screeching clicking creatures, either.

SG-1 was released inside what Cameron decided was probably some kind of giant hive, mostly naked. Before departing, the aliens bound their legs with sticky strands of – oh, great, alien snot.

“You alright?” Cam asked. He was sore and scratched from the – arm? – of the giant cricket. His team appeared to be in the same condition.

“What do they want?” Sam wondered, one arm hitched around her chest.

“I think they’re going to eat us,” Vala said, arms crossed beneath rather than over her breasts.

“Then why are we still alive?” Teal’c asked.

“Maybe they’re going to eat us alive.”

“Why are we tied up?” Daniel wondered, outloud.

“So we won’t run off while they’re trying to eat us,” Vala muttered.

“Why are we naked?” Was Cameron’s main concern.

And then the actual aliens showed up, as apparently the giant mutant crickets were just the guard dogs. Five of them, and they were human from the looks of it. And when they spoke, Daniel understood.

“What are they saying?” Cameron demanded.

Daniel’s lips had pursed. “He said they’re interested in our reproductive capacities.”

“Oh, hell no,” Cameron said. “Tell them –“

But then the giant crickets came back and held SG-1 while the humanoids brought in gurneys and various kinds of frightening equipment

“Guys,” Cam said, having no idea what to say. He wondered what O’Neill would say. “You’ve done this before, right?”

“Done what?” asked Vala, eyes enormous.

What turned out to be the most invasive proctologic exam Cam had ever experienced, although he didn’t consult Daniel or Teal’c on how it rated on the scale of alien anal probes. On the other side of the room, Sam and Vala had the girl’s version, and from their faces it wasn’t any better.

“Can we decide this never happened?” Cameron asked, as SG-1 staggered back to the Gate, still naked.

Sam shook her head. “Post-mission medical will find it. And they’ll assume something else happened.”

“Oh.”

And as they went limped home, Cameron thought he would have preferred being made to do it.

4. The planets with the aphrodisiac in the atmosphere.

In his report, Cameron called it “gnarly” and Sam, more eloquently, noted that it seemed to share characteristics with hallucinogenics, depressants, and stimulants.

“Kinda like tequila, mushrooms, and Viagra all at once,” Cameron muttered.

“What are those?” Vala asked. “I haven’t tried those yet.”

“And you can’t,” Daniel said. “Ever.”

The aliens didn’t mean for it to happen, and in a nice change of pace they actually separated SG-1 before too much nakedness occurred. Instead, they each got to ride out the sexual hallucinations confined to huts, alone, until the SGC sent a MALP through after them.

The 48 hours they spent in quarantine at the SGC were, in Cam’s opinion, much less fun.

5. The planet with an unexpected reversal.

“You know, when they made us take our clothes off and covered us in oil, this wasn’t what I had in mind,” Cameron muttered.

“I know,” Daniel said, his eyes fixed somewhere on the far wall of the cage. “But this is better.”

Cameron flicked a glance at the alien couple fornicating rigorously before them.

“Some fertility ritual,” he said.

Vala shrugged. “Maybe they’re exhibitionists.” She scooted closer to Daniel and elbowed him in the ribs. “It can be fun, after all, to be watched.”

Daniel moved quickly away from Vala, his bare leg sliding against Cameron’s back as he crawled behind him, to hide behind the safe mountain of flesh that was a naked Teal’c.

Sam snorted. “Let’s just be happy all we have to do is watch.”

Cameron didn’t say anything, but after fifty couples, he was both bored and horny, and kind of hoping they would get to do something besides watch.