Five ways Sam pissed Jack off.

[vain_glorious]

 

1. She snored like a lumberjack. No, he’s not exaggerating. For the first two years on SG-1, he wholeheartedly believed that it was Teal’c producing that sound each night. He tried subtly informing her, he tried buying her those nose strips from the drug store, and eventually he ordered her to wear them.

He knew for a damn fact that Teal’c and Jackson agreed with him, but they never backed him up. Teal’c would wander off looking like he had a mission of great importance – usually it was stooping behind the nearest tree and eating a candy bar while Jack risked his life and limb offending Sam.

Daniel was of no help whatsoever. Jack could always count on him to take Sam’s side.

“You’re no symphony,” Daniel always said, just asking for Jack to cram the proffered nose strip up his own schnozz.

“Daniel,” Jack snapped, “You’re allergic to everything, you can’t even breathe when you’re fully awake, and even you don’t sound like that.”

Daniel shrugged. “I breathe through my mouth.”

“You said so yourself, she sounds like a baby Unas!”

Jack would later swear Sam’s eyes just about tripled in size. Her neck swiveled towards Daniel so quickly it gave Jack whiplash. “What?”

Daniel glared at Jack. “I’m going to go help Teal’c,” he said, his voice mild and unalarmed. It didn’t match the speed with which he took off from the campsite, though.

2. Sam Carter is a small woman. Jack will admit that she is pretty tall for a girl, but other than that dimension, he’d classify her as small. Yeah, yeah, she’s strong enough to take out a Sumo wrestler, but that’s not the point. Her wrists are 6 inches around.

So, tiny hands.

She’s also done yoga for at least six years; he knows for a fact she’s more flexible than anyone else on SG-1. Jack’s knees are crap, Teal’c is just too damn big to be bendy, and Daniel would manage to find a way to hurt himself by reaching down to touch his toes.

Yet, despite her teeny tiny wrist bones and slinky-like spine, Sam cannot get out of handcuffs. Not once on the dozens of hostile planets where various unfriendlies decided to chain them up.

He knows an incident of physiology is not her fault, but goddamn would it have been convenient. Tiny hands! Flexibility! Freedom! Dammit.

3. Potatoes give Sam gas.

Again, this is not her fault. It’s also not her fault that something like 75% of MREs have a potato component. On several occasions, Jack has considered writing letters of complaint to the manufacturers. It’s that bad. Actually, he’d probably make Daniel do it, but still.

Surprisingly, Daniel was somewhat receptive to that suggestion as Jack ranted to him one afternoon when they were several meters in front of Sam and Teal’c had point.

“Okay,” Daniel agreed. “I’ll also ask them to discontinue all egg products.”

“No,” Jack said. “I like those MRE omelets.”

Daniel gave him a frosty, tight-lipped smile. “I know.”

Abruptly, Teal’c stopped in place. “O’Neill,” he called.

Jack tightened his grip on the P-90 and caught up to Teal’c, looking around for danger. “What?”

“I concur with Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c said. “The omelets must be removed from your diet.”

Behind him, Jack could hear Sam giggling.

“Hey!”

4. She didn’t want to lead SG-1.

Yeah, Sam and Mitchell are of equal rank, so technically no one’s in charge of anyone there. But she’s a gazillion times smarter and more experienced than he is, and she’s letting him run the show.

Jack knows Sam’s as big a geek as Daniel, even if it’s hidden better underneath a uniform and military decorum. He gets that she loves the R&D –and yeah, he had to ask what that stood for - maybe more than the whole exploring thing. But he never expected her to give up SG-1 for a freaking lab job.

He expected her to take over the team – his team – and keep it going. It would, eventually, have become her team. No one was better suited to deal with the unpredictability of commanding an alien – no offense to T – and a Daniel Jackson – all offense intended there, Danny. No one would have protected earth as fiercely as she would. No one could have kept his team as safe. Jack trusted Sam with that, and she dropped the ball.

He likes Mitchell, alright, has no real or specific complaints about him. But Sam, not the flyboy, should be leading SG-1.

5. Sam is the strongest woman Jack knows. On all fronts. Physically, emotionally, professionally.

She takes charge in every single one of those arenas and he honestly thinks she’s not afraid of anything.

So, he doesn’t understand – doesn’t understand so much that it makes him angry – why she won’t take command in her personal life. He hates to watch her even tolerate, let alone commit to assholes so far below her league. He knows she’s fearless and amazing, and he wishes she’d snap out of it and smack some sense into the dumbass who’s so in love with her that’s he’s too afraid to make a move for a thousand different stupid reasons.